If you’re interested in learning more about my perspective/philosophy about people-pleasing, over-functioning, and perfectionism, you can read this letter I wrote—a letter to my younger self from my current day self and to others like me. It's a manifesto of sorts. I wonder if you might relate and find something helpful here.

 

Your worth isn’t up for debate.

You don’t have to prove your worth to anyone. Your worth is based on your being, not your doing, not how much you provide to others or serve, or how much you accomplish—and it’s certainly not based on what other people think of you. You don’t have to always get it right, get an A, or accomplish everything at the highest level to be good enough.

 

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes; nobody’s perfect. If you make a mistake, it doesn’t mean anything about you as a person.

 

You can tune into and honor your wants, needs, preferences, values, and rights—without being selfish.

You can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s ok to fill your cup by looking after your own needs and wants. You’ll first need to tune into them, but you know what they are deep inside. If you slow down and pay attention, they’ll become clear. And it’s ok to ask for what you want and ask for help when you need it.  Everyone needs help sometimes.

 

It’s ok to honor your own rights, respect yourself, and pursue your own interests and passions. It’s ok to have your own preferences (even when other people don’t get it), and to rest, relax, have fun, and play—without feeling guilty.

 

It's ok to advocate for yourself and set boundaries.

You can set healthy boundaries that protect your time, energy, and overall wellbeing—and it’s ok to enforce them. When you swing too far the other way and act like a b*tch, you can course-correct and balance it out. It’s ok to say no when you don’t have it in you to do something, without feeling guilty. You might disappoint people sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you’re unkind or self-involved. When you say no from an authentic place, other people will be able to trust that when you say yes, you really want to do the thing, that you’re not doing it out of a sense of obligation.

 

It’s also ok to give people realistic expectations about what you can or can't do and how long it will take to accomplish something.

 

You can create more balance.

People-pleasing can be an important part of healthy relationships and living in alignment with our values. It’s when it’s out of balance or done for the wrong reasons that it starts to drain us. It will serve you well to practice discerning the difference between the helping/giving/doing that is healthy and fulfilling to you, and the kind that’s draining you. It will take awareness, but you can do it.

 

You can still be dependable, responsible and high-functioning without such a high cost to your wellbeing. You can keep your kind, caring, giving spirit without neglecting your needs, by making conscious choices about what and how much you do. You don’t have to always try to get an A at everything in life. Good enough is good enough.

 

It’s ok to give yourself equal priority.

It’s ok to make yourself and your needs an equal priority to other people’s. You don’t have to abandon yourself to be there for others. You can show up for yourself to the same degree you show up for others. It’s possible to have just as respectful and supportive a relationship with yourself as you do with other people. And it enables you to be more authentically respectful and supportive to others, and to support and give even more generously than when you’re depleted and worn out.

 

It's important to stay in your lane.

It’s not your job to take care of others or to be responsible for everyone and everything. It’s also not your job to fix other people’s problems or help them if they didn’t ask, to keep everyone else happy or pain-free. When you feel taken for granted and resentful, that’s a sign you’re slipping into unhelpful patterns and into other people’s lanes.

 

You’re not alone.

So many other people have similar patterns and struggles in their lives, and they understand the invisible mental load. You're not alone in how you feel, and you don't have to be alone in the struggle. And actually, you’ll feel more connected in your relationships (and less alone) when you stop the draining kind of people-pleasing and continue helping, giving, and supporting in healthy, values-based ways.

 

If you need help putting any of these ideas into practice, I’d love to help.